Days like today are hard to understand...

**** Note: This post was written on November 21, 2015 and saved as a draft.

I know I won't post it for some time for everyone to see. I'm at a crossroads in my infertility journey, and at this point in time, I am not ready for the world to know.

I am perplexed this morning.

 I unlocked my iPhone this morning  and I read yet another story of a newborn being murdered. This is the fourth story, just this week, I have read about the parent murdering their child. Throwing them out of fifth story windows, a father shooting his newborn twins, a mother trying to poison her newborn and after a failed attempt at that, she smothers him. DAYS LIKE TODAY ARE HARD TO UNDERSTAND.


  We are currently on our second round of fertility treatments this month (November). This wasn't the exact path I pictured myself walking down. The Lord has brought us here, this is his plan for our life. Although it was a surprise to us, it has not been a surprise to him. I always knew I would have trouble, or may not even be able to conceive children since I can ever remember. I have struggled with endometriosis since I have been ten years old, so for the past fourteen years I had an idea of what I would be in store for. I just never expected this.

     Eight days after we returned from our honeymoon, life was perfect. We were newly weds, we just had an immaculate wedding, and a wonderful week in the mountains on our honeymoon. I had a regular check up with my lady doctor. She discussed several different things with me that day. I thought it would be an in and out, routine check up. "Lauren, have you and your husband discussed having children?" I knew exactly where this was going, and I was not ready for this conversation. I told her yes, and stated how much I loved children, but that we had planned to wait a while before trying. "My professional opinion is that with your particular case,  the amount of endometriosis removed in your previous surgeries, and the rapid rate of growth between these surgeries, will make it very difficult for you to conceive. I think if you want children, you should start trying now, and if you haven't conceived in a year, I don't see it happening without exploring other options such as IVF."

I felt numb in this moment. I've been married for barely TWO WEEKS. FOURTEEN DAYS. How in the world am I supposed to process this now?

I went home and told my husband, he said the doctor was insane. I agreed. We tried with no luck for one year, whether we were ready for that or not. We prayed over the first year of our marriage for God's will to be done in our life. I felt adoption heavy on my heart, I prayed about it, we discussed it, we purchased books, researched, and it seemed our minds were made up. I spoke with a couple who has done Foster Care, and they told me how adoption through Foster Care was an amazing thing. So I researched more towards that specifically. I fell in love with the stories and blogs that I read about adoption, period. But the ones that involved Foster Care gave my heart an extra flutter. The pain I felt once before, had seemed to somewhat subside. I may have a barren womb according to my doctor, but I will be a mother.

  We explored options and signed up for Foster Care orientation. We went to the first class, and really loved the atmosphere. Everyone was very polite and explained everything in depth with us. We were excited to start on this journey. Our dreams were soon crushed by finding out my husband would be on mandatory overtime, and there would be no option for us to attend every class. Without every class being attended, they were null and void. It really stunk to hear those words, "I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Davis, we cannot work with that schedule, we will just have to try to get you into our classes next year." A whole year. I was very sad. It was very hard on me for a while. I wasn't sure why this was happening, but I was trying very hard to trust God.

     This has bfeen so confusing for me, and so confusing for my husband.  We have questioned ourselves and the different paths we have tried. What is God trying to tell us? To try to have children? To adopt children? To foster children? All of the above? Are we reading into this the wrong way, and taking "signs" the wrong way?

  At this time we had only been married for a year and four months. Not long at all. I felt like I had been so caught up trying to figure out how to make our family bigger, that I was just obsessing over it. Trying to figure out what plan God was working, and trying to get three steps ahead of him. It is exhausting living that way.

  I have cried so much in the year and seven months we've been married, just longing for a child. I cry when I see someone I know is pregnant, not because I am upset with them or not happy for them, I am sad for myself. A huge pity party, if you will. It's such a horrible thing to admit. I finally stopped crying over pregnancy announcements when someone I knew announced their pregnancy, and shortly after announced they had a miscarriage. I no longer wanted to be her. My heart hurt for her, I cried for her, and felt like a terrible person for ever being envious in the first place. My heart is hurting, but I know one day that it will be full. Waiting, patience, and prayer. Trusting God, and curious to see where my life is once I am ready to share this. Will I be pregnant? Will I have just had a baby? Will we be foster parents? Will we have adopted a child? Only the good Lord knows.





PRESENT DAY: NOVEMBER 21,2016

 An entire year has come and gone, 365 days. Wow, how things have truly changed for me. My life is very different than it was when I wrote this post. God made me a mother. I didn't give birth, I haven't adopted a child to call my very own, he has made me a foster mother. Our first foster placement left us two weeks ago, and that was the best 72 hours of my life. Being a mother, having someone depend on me for everything, snuggles, giggles, Ravioli messes, dressing baby up, Saturday morning cartoons, and every other minute. I enjoyed it all. "If only for a little while" I was a mother. My life seemed complete.



      I pray for the person reading this, that even when you can't see around the curve in the road that you will rely on the driver. Sit back and enjoy the ride, look around, don't miss the scenery, don't miss the storm, because what he has in store for you on the other side is much greater than you can ever imagine. I still have hard days, today being one of them. I occasionaly have envy for all the other women who get to experience motherhood differently as me.

   I felt God was telling me the other day to stop trying to fit in, that he was trying to set me apart. I may never get to see my baby's silhouette on an ultrasound, feel them kick, or have my family and friends come to the hospital to ooh and ahh over my little bundle. But that's okay with me. Because the mother's whose circumstances aren't the same as mine will never get to experience the things I will. They will never get the experience of the "first call" telling you that their is a child who needs your home if only for a few days, the chills and excitement that run through your body when you are on the way to pick them up, the moment you first see that child smile at you even though their circumstances may be terrible, and they will never get to experience the hurt and the sting after that child leaves.

      It was a lot harder than I expected when she left only after 72 hours. I finally felt like a mother, but God reminded me today, on an extra hard day, that I still am a mother. There are many more babies to be loved and many more babies who will leave I am sure. But God has lead me here, he has called me to be a different kind of mother, and for that I am thankful.

To my future child(ren):

Dear future foster child(ren),

   I sit in the room that will be yours (one day very soon) daily. I look around, and I hope that it will meet your standards. I know it will all be unfamiliar and scary at first, but I hope it becomes comfortable and 'homey' as time goes on. I sit on the edge of your bed and bury my face in my hands and sob often while I pray for you. I can't fathom what you are going through now, that will inevitably bring you home to us.

  I can't wait to meet you, but I hate we have  to meet this  way. I hate you are hurting now, and I dread to see you hurting when you are here. I know you will miss your mom, dad, friends, family, and even your pets. I can't imagine all of that being taken from me in such a fast and scary way, as it will be for you. I know it's going to be confusing, scary, and so heartbreaking for you, but I hope you find comfort in things here in this room, and in our home.

 There are going to be so many unknowns during this journey for both of us, but this is what I do know:  We are in this together. I'm scared too. When you are hurting, you'll never be alone. God has you in the palm of His hand. You can trust me. I will always be here for you, whether you go home next week, next year, or if this room becomes yours forever. This is going to be new and different for both of us. God is writing your story, no matter how hard and confusing it may be.

  You have a dad in this home with a heart of gold. He's going to be wrapped around your finger no matter if you are a boy, girl, 1 day old, or 5 years old. He works so hard to make sure you are going to have a wonderful time while you are here, no matter how long it is for. He can't wait to show you how to do all the fun things, make messes, show you right from wrong, spoil you with every toy ever made, and to love you. You have 3 crazy dogs and 1 cat who are already so interested in everything in your room, they can't wait to meet you too. (Although they will be in for a rude awakening when they realize these two bedrooms weren't for them after all) You have a Pop who can't wait to take you fishing, give you all the popsicles you could ever want, tell you jokes, and tell you tall tales. Your BB is so excited to meet you too, even though she knows how broke you are going to make her. She can't wait to teach you how to shop, spoil you with anything you could ever want and need, and to play with you. You have a Dottie and Grumpy who can't wait to take you camping and see you play in the dirt with the 4,738 dogs we have between us and them at the campground. They can't wait to spoil and love you too. Then you have the aunts and uncles who will probably be the ones to spoil you with drum sets, singing dolls, and any noisy toy as payback to us for being "the best siblings ever".

    I know it's going to be new, we could never replace your parents and family in your eyes, nor do we want to. We want to become a second family, an added bonus if you will. We want to help you and your parents so you can have the best life possible. (If you get spoiled along the way, so be it) I know you are so lost at this time in your life, but I hope that through us you can become whole again. I'm  so thankful we get to go on this journey with you. God placed us both here for some reason that we will one day know and understand. It will change both of us forever for the better in the end.


I love you already, more than you'll ever know. 

                Love, 

Your crazy foster mama

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...

VERY EXCITING NEWS!

We are excited to announce that we are expanding our family through Foster Care and adoption. The Lord has placed it heavy on both of our hearts to care for these vulnerable children and we look forward to sharing the love of Christ through caring for them in our home.

We go into this saying to our friends and family, that we may not have the opportunity to adopt a certain child/children that may come through our home. The ultimate goal of Foster Care is reunification of the children and parents. In some cases reunification is not an option, and we may have the opportunity to adopt a child. Regardless, we will love each and every child as our very own whether they are with us two days, or two years.

We realize that you as our friends and family will have several different questions. This is what we can tell you:

       We have set our preference from newborn to the age of five, any gender, any race, and up to two children at a time. Once we are licensed we could get a placement that same week, that same month, or it could be a few weeks depending on the needs in our county at that time. (We will not be licensed until mid to late October, therefore we will not receive a placement until late October, or later) A child could be with us for a few days, weeks, months, or possibly years. It could be well over a year before we have the opportunity to adopt a child. We are in no rush to do so. We would prefer to adopt a sibling group, but only the good Lord knows where we will end up when the time comes. I know there are tons of other questions, so feel free to ask us anything and educate yourself on Foster Care.

    When the time comes, we will not be sharing any personal information about our children, so please respect that. Their story is exactly that, their story. We also want to say upfront, that we will not be able to post any pictures of our kids on social media, and ask that you do the same. We will be so excited, as will our friends and family, so take all of the pictures you want when you are with us, just no posting!

As Christians, we have been adopted by a Heavenly Father, 1 John 1:9 says that, we love because he first loved us.


We appreciate the out pouring of love that we have received from our friends and family before this announcement and all of the love and support from  here on out. We appreciate every donation whether it be clothes, toys, or random things you have known we will need, the prayers, and the encouraging words.The phrase is true, IT TAKES A VILLAGE, and we are so thankful for our village.

 Our hope is that we can inspire just one person to do foster care and adoption. We hope that God will use us as a light to all of the children who enter our home, to help the parents of these children, and to spread the word of God's love for us, after all, we are all adopted by the best father that ever was and ever will be.

God Bless,

The Davis'

***HUGE PROPS to Lisa Marie Bearden with Lisa Marie Photography on capturing these fun pictures that perfectly describe our excitement to start this journey of spoiling and love!

To my husband on our anniversary,

To my husband on our second anniversary, 

    Wow, 730 days I've been your wife. Some days it feels like it was just last week, and other days it feels like forever. When we met, I never knew life would take me here with you. I wouldn't trade a single day (good or bad). 

    These past two years have been hard. The time we've spent apart because of work, far out weighs the time we've spent together. We have  fought, we have laughed, and we have loved these past 730 days. 

    I won't pretend we have some picture perfect fairy tale romance. It's not the kind that people write novels about (although someone could make a good comedy show about us). But we love each other at the end of every day, and every day that ends like this is a happy ending in my book. 

    I want to thank you for everything. Thank you for working your self to death for our family, working crazy hours, and overtime nearly every week. Thank you for being patient, pushing me, helping me, and encouraging me while I finished school so I could get a better job. Thank you for reminding me you always love me and miss me, because being apart so much stinks. Thank you for making me adventurous, and for traveling with me. Thank you for being here for me on the really hard days I've had this last year, when I just felt like crawling in a hole and crying all day. Thank you for reminding me that God has a plan for us, even when I am impatient and don't believe it at the moment. 

    There are days I honestly want to strangle you (as I know you want to do the same to me), when you miss the clothes hamper, or the toilet, or both. But the good days out weigh the bad. I am so thankful for you and these past 730 days...I'm ready for the next 100 years with you.

Love,

Your Crazy Wife

So, WHEN are we going to have a baby?

When are you and your husband going to have children?




   Maybe someone needs to add that to the list of other questions you shouldn't ask people, along with, "when is your baby due?" and "How much money do you make in a year?"


  I realize I'm probably going to offend some people here. People that are reading this have probably asked this question.   Of course these people who ask this question don't mean to cause any harm. They don't mean to be rude, but sometimes it is just that, rude.

  I cannot count how many times we have been asked this question. Frankly, it is nobody's business but who we want to share it with. I was quite set back by the amount of "congratulations" proceeding the month after wedding, followed by, "So when are y'all going to have a baby?" Some people literally ask us this every time we see them.

 The decision to have a baby is an immensely personal question between a husband and wife. Not between you, your husband, and that lady that has talked to you maybe three times since you've worked at the same company together for the past five years.


I think I speak for myself, along with MANY other young women who are newly weds, engaged, or have even been married for more than five years.

 STOP. STOP ASKING WHEN WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

   There are many reasons why people may not chose to have a baby. Maybe both or one of them are still in school. Maybe they don't want to have to worry about buying diapers, formula, and paying for tuition. Maybe they just don't feel like they have enough money at the time for their selves, much less a baby. Before you say the stupid line about, "If you wait to have a baby when you have enough money, you will never have one!", they are being responsible. That opinion is irrelevant unless you would like to pay their mortgage and car payment. Maybe that couple who have been married for five years have been trying for the past two years. Maybe their week is filled with peeing on sticks to see if they are even ovulating, and then disappointment when they take another pregnancy test with that one lonely pink line. Maybe they pray every night together that God will bless them with a baby this month, and are hoping this is THE MONTH. Maybe they had a miscarriage two months ago, and every time you ask it is like a knife to their heart again. "What are the odds of that?", you ask. Well it is not a zero percent chance, so don't ask. Maybe they just found out last week that they can't have a baby and are lead to IVF or adoption and are struggling with that decision. Maybe, they don't want children. Children aren't for everyone. Maybe they are still sending out thank-you cards from their wedding because they literally got married thirty days ago.


So for the love of The Lord, and all that is good, please stop asking this question.

We still friends? Great! I cannot wait to chat about the weather the next time we see each other!

Lauren

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

  Remember that time you woke me up early one morning and told me to get dressed, pack my hunting clothes we were leaving for the next two days to go hunting with one of my favorite celebrities at the time? I looked at you crazy, and asked, "Who is it dad? It's too early for all the guessing games." When you told me we were going hunting with Troy Landry from 'Swamp People', I died laughing. How much fun was that trip? We laughed and made more memories that trip than ever before.

     I witnessed one of the coolest things that lots of hunters don't get to witness in person. Two bucks had a full on fight right in front of us. You told me, " When this is over, the loser will run off in the woods and the winner is going to strut in front of this field of does and you shoot the winner." I took a deep breath, lined up my shot, and it happened exactly as you said it would. The loser ran off, and the winner began to strut. I took a deep breath, FLINCHED, then pulled the trigger. "You got him baby!", you screamed in excitement. I could have cared less that I shot the deer at this point as I was grabbing my eye and I felt something wet streaming down my face. "I don't give a crap what I did dad! My eye! I have knocked it out of my head and I'm bleeding everywhere!" You laughed and told me, "It's still there Lauren. It is not bleeding, your eye is just watering from where the scope hit it." Well that scope made one heck of a black eye, and one memorable photo with Jackie Bushman pointing at my eye and Troy Landry smirking on the other side of me.

 

 

      How about all those times you woke me up in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep and my favorite movie was on late at night, I know you remember that! My favorite movie, JAWS, thanks to you. My favorite was when one of us couldn't sleep late at night, one would wake the other, and say, "Let's go to waffle house!" Those were some of the funniest nights. All the crazies were out then, and we'd sit and laugh at all the people who were doing card tricks and just being plain weird. There obviously weren't any normal people there at 2 A.M., us included.

   I don't think mom was too excited I enjoyed hunting, fishing, movies like Jaws, and going to a 24-hour breakfast joint at all hours of the morning instead of Barbie dolls, and other regular  girl things. But that is what happens when your dad is your best friend. We have made some hilarious, great, unbelievable, and just plain weird memories. I wouldn't take them for the world though.

   I'm so glad you have chosen to take me under your wing, make me all yours, and shape me into who I am today. You have taught me to enjoy the little things in life, and don't sweat the small stuff. You've always been behind me and my dreams 110%, even when my dreams were plain stupid, (You knew the stupid ones would change next week). Thanks for taking me everywhere, whether it be to work at The Birmingham News, out of town when you had to go do last minute stories, keeping me out from school to go on hunting and fishing trips, or just taking me for a ride through the country when you needed to clear your head and get away.


  We've enjoyed some great times dad. I don't ever want to stop making these awesome memories with you. So I'm going to need them to hurry up and figure out how to start making people live forever. It was just this year when I was afraid that our memory making might stop. You scared me to death that day. So don't you ever pull that crap again. I will never forget the way I felt that day, absolutely crazy and numb as Skylar raced us to the hospital. Stroke is exactly what I feared as mom told me your blood pressure and symptoms. My dad can't have a stroke I thought to myself as I remembered back to just a few weeks before when a man rolled through the ER and suffered from the same kind of stroke you had. The doctor had to tell his family there was nothing else we could do for him. That's exactly what I feared on the way there. I have seen too many bad things to be positive in that moment. But much to my surprise, it was not a bad stroke. You did not have permanent paralysis, permanent speech loss, and you are still here. Thank God you are one of the lucky ones.

   I cannot wait to see where the coming years take us in our journeys, Dad. I can't wait to see you become a "Pop" one day, and to make fun of you when you poop in your Depends. Live to be two hundred Dad, because I'll never be through making these crazy, fun, hilarious memories with you.  You may have loved me since I've been born, but I've loved you my entire life.

                                                                Love your tom-boy,
                                                                            Lauren

Waiting, Patience, Prayer...

 "PLEASE LORD. HELP ME. HURRY GOD. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME?"  My prayers have been consumed lately by something I have been truly struggling with, harder than most things I've been through.



  " WAIT. STOP. LISTEN TO ME. BE PATIENT. TRUST ME. "

    These are all things I believe the Lord has been answering me with lately, as I cry out to him.




     I don't believe there is anyone who truly enjoys waiting. I never imagined I would have more trouble waiting for something as an adult, than I did as a child. We live in a world where we as humans hate to wait. Waiting in traffic, waiting on someone to call/text you back, waiting on food at a restaurant, waiting on your shift at work to be over, and waiting on God.

     For several months now I have prayed, cried out to God, cried to myself, & cried to those who are close to me. There have been points where I have thought, "God, do you even hear me?". On those days when it is all just too much to bear, I have turned to scripture, really dug deep into God's word. These past few days God has begun to really change my impatient heart.

    Job is who I think of when I think about patience and waiting in scripture. God allowed the devil to destroy everything he had to prove his faithfulness in the Lord. Job lost EVERYTHING. His servants, his cattle, his wealth, his crops, his property, and most importantly, Job lost his children. Job knew the Lord had a plan for his life, trusted his plan, and never questioned his plans for his life.





And the Lord restored Job’s losses when he prayed for his friends. Indeed the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before. ¹¹ Then all his brothers, all his sisters, and all those who had been his acquaintances before, came to him and ate food with him in his house; and they consoled him and comforted him for all the adversity that the Lord had brought upon him. Each one gave him a piece of silver and each a ring of gold.

¹² Now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning; for he had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand yoke of oxen, and one thousand female donkeys. ¹³ He also had seven sons and three daughters. ¹⁴ And he called the name of the first Jemimah, the name of the second Keziah, and the name of the third Keren-Happuch. ¹⁵ In all the land were found no women so beautiful as the daughters of Job; and their father gave them an inheritance among their brothers.
¹⁶ After this Job lived one hundred and forty years, and saw his children and grandchildren for four generations. ¹⁷ So Job died, old and full of days.

--Job 42:10-16


    How amazing is that? Job never questioned God, even when he lost absolutely everything he had. He trusted God and his plan for his life. Job prayed for his friends, even when he lost everything. When he prayed for his friends, God gave him TWICE as much as before. Then it says, Job died after 140 years, and full of days.

After reading that, how could I not be patient and wait on the Lord? His timing is perfect, my plan is all his own, and if I am patient, the Lord will bless me in ways I could not even imagine being blessed. I am so thankful I did not turn away from God, but turned to scripture in this tribulation of life. When you feel like you may not be getting the 'right' answer, or you may not feel like you are being answered at all, seek God's word. It will never fail you, you will always be able to find an answer there.

God Bless,
Lauren