I know I won't post it for some time for everyone to see. I'm at a crossroads in my infertility journey, and at this point in time, I am not ready for the world to know.
I am perplexed this morning.
I unlocked my iPhone this morning and I read yet another story of a newborn being murdered. This is the fourth story, just this week, I have read about the parent murdering their child. Throwing them out of fifth story windows, a father shooting his newborn twins, a mother trying to poison her newborn and after a failed attempt at that, she smothers him. DAYS LIKE TODAY ARE HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
We are currently on our second round of fertility treatments this month (November). This wasn't the exact path I pictured myself walking down. The Lord has brought us here, this is his plan for our life. Although it was a surprise to us, it has not been a surprise to him. I always knew I would have trouble, or may not even be able to conceive children since I can ever remember. I have struggled with endometriosis since I have been ten years old, so for the past fourteen years I had an idea of what I would be in store for. I just never expected this.
Eight days after we returned from our honeymoon, life was perfect. We were newly weds, we just had an immaculate wedding, and a wonderful week in the mountains on our honeymoon. I had a regular check up with my lady doctor. She discussed several different things with me that day. I thought it would be an in and out, routine check up. "Lauren, have you and your husband discussed having children?" I knew exactly where this was going, and I was not ready for this conversation. I told her yes, and stated how much I loved children, but that we had planned to wait a while before trying. "My professional opinion is that with your particular case, the amount of endometriosis removed in your previous surgeries, and the rapid rate of growth between these surgeries, will make it very difficult for you to conceive. I think if you want children, you should start trying now, and if you haven't conceived in a year, I don't see it happening without exploring other options such as IVF."
I felt numb in this moment. I've been married for barely TWO WEEKS. FOURTEEN DAYS. How in the world am I supposed to process this now?
I went home and told my husband, he said the doctor was insane. I agreed. We tried with no luck for one year, whether we were ready for that or not. We prayed over the first year of our marriage for God's will to be done in our life. I felt adoption heavy on my heart, I prayed about it, we discussed it, we purchased books, researched, and it seemed our minds were made up. I spoke with a couple who has done Foster Care, and they told me how adoption through Foster Care was an amazing thing. So I researched more towards that specifically. I fell in love with the stories and blogs that I read about adoption, period. But the ones that involved Foster Care gave my heart an extra flutter. The pain I felt once before, had seemed to somewhat subside. I may have a barren womb according to my doctor, but I will be a mother.
We explored options and signed up for Foster Care orientation. We went to the first class, and really loved the atmosphere. Everyone was very polite and explained everything in depth with us. We were excited to start on this journey. Our dreams were soon crushed by finding out my husband would be on mandatory overtime, and there would be no option for us to attend every class. Without every class being attended, they were null and void. It really stunk to hear those words, "I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Davis, we cannot work with that schedule, we will just have to try to get you into our classes next year." A whole year. I was very sad. It was very hard on me for a while. I wasn't sure why this was happening, but I was trying very hard to trust God.
This has bfeen so confusing for me, and so confusing for my husband. We have questioned ourselves and the different paths we have tried. What is God trying to tell us? To try to have children? To adopt children? To foster children? All of the above? Are we reading into this the wrong way, and taking "signs" the wrong way?
At this time we had only been married for a year and four months. Not long at all. I felt like I had been so caught up trying to figure out how to make our family bigger, that I was just obsessing over it. Trying to figure out what plan God was working, and trying to get three steps ahead of him. It is exhausting living that way.
I have cried so much in the year and seven months we've been married, just longing for a child. I cry when I see someone I know is pregnant, not because I am upset with them or not happy for them, I am sad for myself. A huge pity party, if you will. It's such a horrible thing to admit. I finally stopped crying over pregnancy announcements when someone I knew announced their pregnancy, and shortly after announced they had a miscarriage. I no longer wanted to be her. My heart hurt for her, I cried for her, and felt like a terrible person for ever being envious in the first place. My heart is hurting, but I know one day that it will be full. Waiting, patience, and prayer. Trusting God, and curious to see where my life is once I am ready to share this. Will I be pregnant? Will I have just had a baby? Will we be foster parents? Will we have adopted a child? Only the good Lord knows.
PRESENT DAY: NOVEMBER 21,2016
An entire year has come and gone, 365 days. Wow, how things have truly changed for me. My life is very different than it was when I wrote this post. God made me a mother. I didn't give birth, I haven't adopted a child to call my very own, he has made me a foster mother. Our first foster placement left us two weeks ago, and that was the best 72 hours of my life. Being a mother, having someone depend on me for everything, snuggles, giggles, Ravioli messes, dressing baby up, Saturday morning cartoons, and every other minute. I enjoyed it all. "If only for a little while" I was a mother. My life seemed complete.
I pray for the person reading this, that even when you can't see around the curve in the road that you will rely on the driver. Sit back and enjoy the ride, look around, don't miss the scenery, don't miss the storm, because what he has in store for you on the other side is much greater than you can ever imagine. I still have hard days, today being one of them. I occasionaly have envy for all the other women who get to experience motherhood differently as me.
I felt God was telling me the other day to stop trying to fit in, that he was trying to set me apart. I may never get to see my baby's silhouette on an ultrasound, feel them kick, or have my family and friends come to the hospital to ooh and ahh over my little bundle. But that's okay with me. Because the mother's whose circumstances aren't the same as mine will never get to experience the things I will. They will never get the experience of the "first call" telling you that their is a child who needs your home if only for a few days, the chills and excitement that run through your body when you are on the way to pick them up, the moment you first see that child smile at you even though their circumstances may be terrible, and they will never get to experience the hurt and the sting after that child leaves.
It was a lot harder than I expected when she left only after 72 hours. I finally felt like a mother, but God reminded me today, on an extra hard day, that I still am a mother. There are many more babies to be loved and many more babies who will leave I am sure. But God has lead me here, he has called me to be a different kind of mother, and for that I am thankful.
